Have you ever met someone so confident and comfortable in their skin that it makes you hate the very semblance of traits that God chose to bestow upon you in the name of personality?
If no, I don’t think you should even be here coz I doubt if this blog will ever interest you. (For this post is from a rather ordinary person- who is feeling exceptionally over the top ordinary today.)
If yes, then please do read on and tell me if I am justified to feel this way?
Anahita is one such person who belongs to the above mentioned category and every time she waltzes in a room all poised and smart- brimming with confidence - I can’t help but reel with self loathing. I am not friends with her-in fact, I barely even know her. But every time I look at her I know she has got something that I really-really want. What exactly it is- I am not really sure- she seems to have it all – great looks, lotsa money, numerous friends, great dressing sense, a killer job, twenty thousand pairs of footwear, handbags in all shapes- forms and sizes and sunglasses which I have never seen her repeat. No, No, don’t get me wrong – I don’t adore her- As a matter of fact I try avoid the very situation where I know I may chance upon her and call it paranoia, but I don’t even feel like looking her in the eye because every time I do I get that oh-you-are-so-fucking-ordinary look from her.
And since I don’t know her in person I can’t be too sure but if there was a way to find out- I would really like to know if she does it on purpose (to make me feel small) or that is just how I feel about myself, (which is so-so pathetic). But I don’t think that is the case though because I have seen and been around people who are even more good looking, rich and talented than her but never have I felt such a strong negative vibe from any one of them as I do from her (Well, except for this one VJ chick I knew a couple of years ago and who I don’t wish to name). But again the predicament remains that despite such repulsion its only Anahita who intimidates me.
Whenever I bump into her I get this rather uneasy queasy feeling- a knot sort of a thing in my stomach- I don’t want to be in the same room with her for too long – and even though she is not even looking at me I feel like I am on display.
Of course, in front of her I pretend like I don’t care but inside I couldn’t be more affected.
Again, it’s not that she is all perfect- she has shortcomings too, you know- and how do I know? Because, when I am around her I am on a constant lookout for one- because every time I spot one- it makes me feel better (when I write I become brutally honest- even if that means admitting to my most horrible secrets).
Like for instance...
She seems to be much into her looks.
She is totally oblivious of other people’s feelings.
There is no poise or buoyancy whatsoever every time I catch her off guard.
And most importantly, her condescending aura- well, that is something I hate the most.
But then why is it that despite all this- she affects me the most- so much so that I have blocked her on my fb – so as to avoid seeing her profile- in the people you may know section. (Even though I am sure that in all certainty she won't even be aware of this.)
Does it sound like- I need help? Or, is it normal?