I hate the fact that I am the girl who ‘understands’ him, while some other girl gets to marry him.
I hate being that cool friend, you know, who is one of the guys only – but maybe just not cool enough to be anything more than that. Sitting in my living room as I go through every little detail of his recent escapades and womanly endeavors over the phone, I secretly hope that he sees what he is missing –that how good we could have had it together. That he wasn’t so fucking blind.. or maybe, so fucking chicken ;-) That he realizes that time is running out. That I am not 21 anymore.
‘You know you are something else only,’ when he casually slips in a compliment, during one of our never ending conversations – I bloody gush like a teenager and mull over it for hours. What does it mean? Does he subconsciously love me? Maybe he does, he just needs to realize it. And then suddenly I have ‘yuck’ written all over me. I am Kajol from Kuch kuch hota hai – who only gets a mercy wedding because Rani Mukherjee fucking dies. SERIOUSLY, YUCK YUCK YUCK. Have I sunk that low really?
And then I decide to end it once and for all, I go out, have fun and try not to think about it. But apparently, that also is not supposed to ease the pain. Because he still needs someone to listen to his endless tales, and in turn pander to the ‘ego’ he doesn’t know he has and who better than a girl, who he can talk about anything to. Because she doesn’t pretend – calls a spade a spade- and lives by her own rules. In short a girl who is one of the guys.
But how on earth am I to put it across the table that I want a romance not a fucking bromance. Cause dude, I am not your damn wingman. I am as much entitled to emotions and feeling as any one of your ‘trophy’ girl friends, or, the wife dear mummy ji is going to approve of. And while that may not be your problem, but you sure can do one thing… CHOOSE A SIDE, and then stick to it. Because I am sick and tired of being ‘something else’. For once in my life, I want to be a typical typical girl, who gets the best of both worlds.
‘I am going out tonight.’
‘With who?’ pat comes the reply.
‘This friend, you don’t really know him,’ I reply, playing it as casually as I possibly can (God knows I have a bloody predictable voice and a face).
‘Yes a guy friend. Why? Is that an issue,’ I ask, dearly hoping for a hint of jealousy somewhere.
‘No, no, are you mad? You have my blessings,’ the assole grins, ripping apart any possible hopes of a fairy tale ending between us ;-)
But, get this, you pig – I don’t need your blessings. All I need from you is for you to walk out of your stupid oblivion for once, where you stay so blissfully unaware of people around you and their feelings. And if that is too damned difficult for you to do, then just take a hike. So long. I have no time, emotions or fight left to invest in you. Because you know I am done secretly laughing at some girl you are with – because she reads classics like ‘how to sound cool n classy’. I am done being a confession box to you. I am done being your radio. But most importantly, I am done pretending. Move on and leave me alone seriously!
Because, all said and done, I am still only the girl who ‘gets’ you and yet doesn’t get to get you.