Tuesday, October 30, 2012

She is just not that into you!

üIf she has said so herself, coz contrary to the popular belief, when a girl says no she means no, 
ü  If she keeps missing your calls. (Even if God almighty himself descends on mother earth to tell you that lightening struck that poor girl’s phone not once, but over and over again. Do not for a second lull yourself into believing it. The point is no matter how pathetic the circumstance, had she wanted to call you, she would have called you.)

ü  If she always takes another call while talking to you but never, i repeat, never takes your call if the situation was reversed.

ü  If she LoL’s a lot. (Trust me, it's not a good sign)

ü  If her ex boyfriend keeps coming back into the picture like an unascertainable allergy. (Obviously She is still too hung up on him.)

ü  If she keeps falling sick every time you ask her out. (Jaundice/Malaria/AIDS no matter whether communicable or non-communicable, the disease is your cue to take a hike.)

ü  If she’d rather be at her roommate’s sister’s Ladies sangeet than being with you.

ü  If she doesn’t frequent your facebook.

ü  If she doesn’t get your jokes. (Coz trust me a girl will pretend laugh if nothing else to keep a conversation going, provided she is interested otherwise.)


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Kudi Saturday Saturday kardi rehndi hai. So, what’s your problem jackass?

 I am not even a hard core feminist but even then this song is bothering me on so many levels that I can't help but react. You call this music?

Mediocre offensive novelty crap trying to masquerade as rap.
This is how absurd this song sounded to me...
  •  Pehlan taan kudi ne Ludhiana vi ni tapya si  (Meaning that The girl had never stepped foot outside her hometown) So what is ur problem? It’s not like u were the official sponsor of her out-of-Ludhiana trip. 
  • Poochey Bina gharon bhar pair vi ni rakhya si     (Never had she done anything that her elders did not approve of) So I am guessing your elders are totally cool with you writing such a demeaning sad nonsense (you like to call a song) 
  • Jaddon di madam ji sheher which aai bas party dian gallan kardi rehndi hai (Once a shy timid girl dares to speak of parties now) Last I checked, it was still a democracy and we were still allowed the right to speech.  
  • Kudi saturday saturday kardi rehndi hai(All she cares for are the saturday nights) Count your blessings that she does - thanks to her - you get to earn your bread and butter.  
  • Sarojini ke kapde pehen ke jaati madam disko (She buys her clothes from a flee market)Lol is that supposed to be an insult? I am sorry to burst your bubble Mister rapper but not all of us walk around in Prada. Welcome to the real world. 
  • Vip mein complimentary drinks bhi chahiye isko (She insists on the complimentary drinks when in a club)Well, she can insist on complimentary poison as long as she wants it and the club is offering it. You have nothing to worry, i suppose. 
  • Isko Gadi chahiye lambi, isko music chahiye loud (She likes cool cars and loud music) Why? if u can prefer expensive clothes to ‘Sarojini ke Kapde’ ..Doesn't she have the liberty to like expensive cars? And as far as the loud music is concerned if you hate it so much, don’t come to the club next time, go to a library instead, Pin Drop Silence, my friend. 
  • Ye jaati mehnge club mein jahan pe hota dhang ka crowd (She prefers an elite place and nice crowd)Really sorry, but we did not know that you prefer cheap crowd instead. 
  • Ludhiayane se aayi ladki university padti hai (She is a small town girl in a big city)Now what’s wrong with this? Like being from Ludhiana is supposedly a crime? Delhi University is one of the premier institutes of India after all, where else should she go, to the institute where they teach how to degrade women. 
  • Kehti to hai student hai But I doubt. (She claims to be a student but I doubt)So who asked you to become ACP Pradyuman? 
  •  Mundeya de palle ni tu chhaddeya ni kakh  (She makes the guy spend)It’s not like she put a gun to your head and asked you to offer her that drink. Here’s a tip: if you don’t have the money, don’t offer to buy her a drink. 
  • Aati Honda mein jaati tu Audi mein Khisak (She knows more than one guy) Lol if u can come with Tina and hit on Meena all through the evening well so can she. Nothing personal buddy!
  • S*** S*** Baby what the fuck? (I am sorry despite the best of my efforts to get it, this one sentence did not make any sense to me, so cant translate)But on a Serious note baby what the fuck? I truly hope you can rap better next time. Look up your dictionary there are more words in the English language than s*** and f***. 
  • Sheher aake baby baby kardi, tu pind which bebe bebe kardi hundi si (She uses the term ‘Baby’)Excuse me? Did you just not use the same Baby term more than once in your own song too. Is the kettle calling the pot black?
I can go on but I think I have made my point pretty clear. 

When Honey Singh came up with ‘Aina vi na dope-shope marya karo’ , that song at least had a well-meaning message in it. So even if it bordered a little on the boundary of offensive, nobody seemed to mind it. But you on the other hand, seem to be just tapping the formula that Honey Singh created with Dope-shope but the sad part is that there is no message (I mean not even for the heck of it), except that you objectify women in a very very unwelcome way and that’s not done dude.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A letter to the clueless Boys!

Dear Boys,

Having Love trouble ? Listen Closely !

Now I do not, seriously, think of myself as some dating guru but after being on a bunch of lousy dates and having heard the lamest pick up lines ever, I feel like I owe it to myself (and the woman kind and to those poor boys who don't have a clue when it comes to those awkward first dates), to write this letter. 
So Here’s a list of DONT’S for you when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex;

1. So, you like to party? Jazzed up as it may sound, Please oh please never ever ask a girl this. I mean the whole question reeks of cheese. If you are still curious you can may be find out indirectly, but, for the love of God, do not put it out there in the form of actual words. NO, I DON'T LIKE TO PARTY.

2. Shero – shayari, Now I know that guys think that it’s romantic and everything. But I’d personally advice against it. So, before you turn into Mirza Ghalib next time, know your audience first. Coz most girls dont like it.   
3. Dont be overly familiar but at the same time don’t play totally aloof either. Coz attitude may be a turn on but too much attitude is a big turn off. so Keep it balanced.
4.  Don’t keep checking yourself out in the mirror too much. Nothing kills an evening like a sissy guy.
5. Steer clear of the following topics if its ur first date- ‘horse power’, power engines,,‘Tera bytes’, ‘mega bytes’ cc dc pc ac bcetc etc ‘. Coz she might look as though she is really interested but in her head she is playing the movie ‘P.S. I LOVE YOU’
6. DONT BABY TALK. Words like sugar, honey, sweets or anything with a tendency to cause diabetes are taboo. 
7.  Say the girl’s a doctor or a lawyer.. There is absolutely no need for you to begin the conversation like this hor fer doctor/lawyer saab?There is nothing wrong with it as such,, It's just that this is how my jolly good fufadh ji (BUA’s HUSBAND) talks to me. 
8.  Never begin a conversation with Haanji. The very word puts me to sleep.(Okay this is only a personal dislike) so you can strike this one off the list.
9.     DO not drool...If you are on a date and Angelina Jolie passes you by, do not stop for a second to check her out. Okay I am aware this is way too extreme a behaviour to expect from boys. But look at this objectively,, What are the odds that the hot girl (Angelina Jolie) will check you out right back, especially when you are already sitting with another girl. None right? So, before you let your Jaw mop the floor think about the possibility that the girl who is passing by is not even going to notice you and you might even end up losing the one you are with.

10.Don’t be a chalta firta multi branded store. You know, Gucci shoes, Prada jacket, Tomford glasses, d&g belt, Armani wallet.. All At once... is a very, i repeat, very  very bad idea. .Nothing freaks us girls more than a brand freak.

So here’s what I thought could be of a little help. This was what not to do, stay tuned for what to do. 

With Love,
that girl who spent her last date looking at her watch!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I have a new phone and I am loving it!

Ainwey hi you folks are going nuts over these ifives – shy-fives and what not. Check this out. Last week,I broke my phone. May its soul Rest in PIECE. And by piece i mean one single piece because my poor phone was smashed into many pieces. So if not its body, at least its soul should get to rest in Piece.
But luckily I had an extra phone and I refer to it as my ‘stepney’ phone and here’s why I love it.

-  One look at my phone and the little beggars on the street have no interest in harassing me. They are smart people who are totally convinced that chasing me would be a total waste of time. So, I am saved the ‘meri sundar kareena didi’ torture.

-  It is the most user friendly and sensitive phone that I have ever seen. I mean Just so that I don’t feel left out in the age of super swanky phones, my phone makes me feel as though I also own a super expensive phone by constantly hanging itself. Now an ordinary person might want to hang himself only after seeing a NOKIA 1200 hang but I look at it as though my phone is trying to make me feel better.

- Since it does not support all that whatsapp nonsense. So there is one less way for people to know that I am jobless. And I, for sure, do not mind that.

- My phone can turn a shy little boy into the Hulk in a flash. Picture this. You are at KFC, ordering a veg zinger burger (Yes, I may be the most strict vegetarian who absolutely adores KFC) and your super swanky phone starts to ring.Bumro Bumro sham rang bumro, aaye ho kis bagiya se, ooooo ooooo tum?”And the cute guy in the adjacent queue who seemed to be shit nervous around you right until five seconds ago quickly transforms into Mr Gladrags Man hunt Mega Model 2012.

- Then there comes the security with my phone that no other phone (even the ones with the best anti theft mechanisms) can guarantee. That ABSOLUTELY NOBODY WILL STEAL YOUR PHONE. Because there is absolutely nobody who wants to steal your phone.

Now you only tell me, with all these and so many more hidden qualities, who would not fall in love with this ultra-hitech piece of machinery. Tell me one phone that comes to your mind which is not just laced with the best anti-theft mechanism ever but also is not oblivious to your feelings, despite being a machine. Believe you me when I say that it's an absolute form of modern art and I happen to love love love it.