Saturday, January 12, 2013

House hunting is a bitch.


My friend dvd is new in town and is house hunting – and as many of you may already know, I did a lot of house hunting myself last year – so when dvd asked for help I was more than happy to pass on my wisdom –aka The Butt theory – to him.
That no matter what every house on the list will have a but now the only thing we have to see is which of these butts you can put up with.
“What?” he asked confused.
“You’ll know,” I smiled, condescendingly – and here’s how we spent our day one of house hunting -

·        House no.1 - 
      Three bedrooms – fully furnished – AC- Double bed- Fridge- Microwave- Cooking Gas- wifi –“Promise me you won’t get a girl in this house – abhi ke abhi promise karo mujhko.”
Now it’s not that dvd is Hugh Hefner – and would have playmates over all the time -but yes, let’s give him some credit – he can manage to bring a friend or two home for a party or general merriment type things. Poor dvd – looked at me for help – by now uncle ji had placed both his hands in his hands and was fully pressuring him to succumb to the sanctity of the oath and only thing missing from this bollywood court room drama scene was the Bhagwat Geeta.
We ran for life.

·         House no. 2 - 
      “Oh Sir jee totally independentYou can have IPL parties in here I tell you!” the agent flashed his yellow teeth in keeping with his yellow pants.
Very happy with this precious discovery we walked in to see a makeshift house with a plastic sheet for a ceiling and a door with no lock (Although the landlord was thoughtful enough to provide us with a long iron bar to jam the entrance if dvd was out or something – you know to be safe from theft and all.)
Agreed we said independent but aap to bhavnao mein hi beh gaye uncle ji.


·         House no. 3
      Here’s a house we thought while driving through the lanes of Sector 35 – it looked beautiful – separate independent entry – enough space for parking – but the To-Let sign board had something written below it like those 70 % sale signboards in showrooms and all (with a teeny tiny upto below it)-

    TO LET
          
   EDICTS EXCUSED
    
Well, what option did we have but to turn?
Now dvd moves with a signboard that says – MY NAME IS dvd and I am not an EDICT – But I MAY BE AN ADDICT.

·         House no. 4 – 
      it was just 1 room in total- Was it a bedroom? Was it a living room? Was it a kitchen? Was it a bathroom? Who could tell?
 But that is not even the best part -
When asked for the toilet.
We don’t have a toilet but there is a Sulabh Sochalay right across the road."


·        House no. 5 – 
     “Is it an Indian or a western washroom?”asked dvd over the phone. After House no. 4  we wanted to be clear beforehand only.
      “What?” the landlord replied puzzled. 
      “Toilet seat English hai ki Indian?” dvd simplified.
      “Oh! you mean the latrine,” he replied, “well the latrine is Indian- I can get it changed –  But it will cost you 50,000 rupees.”

·         House no. 6 – 
      The Signboard said -

To LET

POSH BOYS ONLY 

Poor dvd may pass off as somewhat fancy but is not posh in the least.

·         House no. 7 –
      The signboard said -

    TO LET
    
    No PARTY ALLOWED
    
    NO FUCTION ALLOWED

Now if it meant that much dvd may have still have said no to parties and functions but how could he say no to the "fuction" ;-)

·         House no. 8 – 
      The mother of all butts - kyunki landlord bhi kabhi tenant tha!
We walk in a decent 2BHK – with one loo and the landlord, for a change, seemed sane.
“NO BUT HERE! HUH?” edged dvd, somewhat triumphantly.
“Wait till you see?” I replied.
“Independent house right??” dvd enquired.
“Haanji the house is independent – i am not providing you with anything- the rent is 12000,” the landlord replied, to the point without any if’s and buts.
I was taken aback –Was this house okay in every sense? Was my theory of butts about to fail?
dvd smiled at me and was almost about to say yes – and there it came – the flinging flanging but ;-)
“Don’t worry about interference in anyway- I respect the tenant’s right to privacy- after all I was a tenant too” the landlord continued, “but you should know that I spend my Wednesday’s Saturday’s and Sunday’s here in this flat and zahir si baat hai us doraan main toilet bhi use karunga.” (that it is obvious that I will also use the toilet while I am spending my wednesdays/fridays and saturdays with you.)
The buts of all buts (small and large) was this one – we were weary and did not even have the strength to reply- So we simply turned and left the house.


P.S. IF ANY OF YOU KNOWS A HOUSE MINUS THE BUTTS IN CHANDIGARH – FEEL FREE TO LET ME KNOW PLEASE.

6 comments:

Nitin said...

Zaahir si baaat hai ma'am ....u rock.....:)

Awesome post...:D

Anukool said...

kaatil..is post k liye to ek function karna banta hai..:P

Stutee Nag said...

@nitin - hehe thanks a lot!

Stutee Nag said...

@aNUKOOL
hahahahahahahahahaha

parth bhagwati said...

U hv chronicled ur house hunting spree with such ardor that hs made me believe ......u r something.the caricatured nomenclature of the land lords were of much delight..once again....nice presentation of the itinerary of events

Stutee Nag said...

Thanks parth - although I am feeling guilty about stealing your time