Dude, I am not your bro!

I hate the fact that I am the girl who ‘understands’ him, while some other girl gets to marry him.

I hate being that cool friend, you know, who is one of the guys only – but maybe just not cool enough to be anything more than that. Sitting in my living room as I go through every little detail of his recent escapades and womanly endeavors over the phone, I secretly hope that he sees what he is missing –that how good we could have had it together. That he wasn’t so fucking blind.. or maybe, so fucking chicken ;-) That he realizes that time is running out. That I am not 21 anymore.

‘You know you are something else only,’ when he casually slips in a compliment, during one of our never ending conversations – I bloody gush like a teenager and mull over it for hours. What does it mean? Does he subconsciously love me? Maybe he does, he just needs to realize it. And then suddenly I have ‘yuck’ written all over me.  I am Kajol from Kuch kuch hota hai – who only gets a mercy wedding because Rani Mukherjee fucking dies. SERIOUSLY, YUCK YUCK YUCK. Have I sunk that low really?

And then I decide to end it once and for all, I go out, have fun and try not to think about it. But apparently, that also is not supposed to ease the pain. Because he still needs someone to listen to his endless tales, and in turn pander to the ‘ego’ he doesn’t know he has and who better than a girl, who he can talk about anything to. Because she doesn’t pretend – calls a spade a spade- and lives by her own rules. In short a girl who is one of the guys.

But how on earth am I to put it across the table that I want a romance not a fucking bromance. Cause dude, I am not your damn wingman. I am as much entitled to emotions and feeling as any one of your ‘trophy’ girl friends, or, the wife  dear mummy ji is going to approve of. And while that may not be your problem, but you sure can do one thing… CHOOSE A SIDE, and then stick to it.  Because I am sick and tired of being ‘something else’. For once in my life, I want to be a typical typical girl, who gets the best of both worlds.

‘I am going out tonight.’

 

‘With who?’ pat comes the reply.

‘This friend, you don’t really know him,’ I reply, playing it as casually as I possibly can (God knows I have a bloody predictable voice and a face).

‘Guy friend?’

‘Yes a guy friend. Why? Is that an issue,’ I ask, dearly hoping for a hint of jealousy somewhere.

‘No, no, are you mad? You have my blessings,’ the assole grins, ripping apart any possible hopes of a fairy tale ending between us ;-)

But, get this, you pig – I don’t need your blessings. All I need from you is for you to walk out of your stupid oblivion for once, where you stay so blissfully unaware of people around you and their feelings. And if that is too damned difficult for you to do, then just take a hike. So long. I have no time, emotions or fight left to invest in you. Because you know I am done secretly laughing at some girl you are with – because she reads classics like ‘how to sound cool n classy’. I am done being a confession box to you. I am done being your radio.  But most importantly, I am done pretending. Move on and leave me alone seriously! 

 

Because, all said and done, I am still only the girl who ‘gets’ you and yet doesn’t get to get you.

Hey Sista! Up taaap!

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

I maybe lost but I am alert

So better watch it you pervert.

I only choose to ignore

But I can pin you to the floor.

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

I go running and you stare,

Go eat shit for all I care.

Making passes at me, do you even have a pair?

Don't bother to answer, just get the fuck out of my hair

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

At work, I need my space,

Not you gawking at my face.

So better cut down on your chase,

Prepare to keep pace or else lose in this race.

Coz I am here and I am there,

And I know you are well aware.

I don’t fear the dark

And all you know is to bark

But I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

Shampoo & Conditioner apply ***

I am probably the only person I know, who has fun through the week and sits home on the weekends.

Grumpy as hell, I reach my office almost on time (terms and conditions apply), bumping into some and closely escaping many many lawyers (trust me early morning we all look like penguins gone mad).

I am usually on an empty stomach because surprise surprise  I only woke up half an hour before ten (thanks to the unplanned karaoke the night before) and all I could squeeze in, in those thirty precious minutes is a quick shower and a ride to the Court. Just as I take my seat, my friend C states the much obvious fact – "YOU ARE LATE."

'Here's twenty five things you didn't know about costumes of Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya' she flashes the post under my nose.

'I will book you for contempt of Court, trust me, I am not joking.'

'Wow! You are really a morning person. Can't tell you what a treat it is to chat you up in the morning.'

‘I am hungry,’ I whine. 

'We’ll go eat during the tea break,' she gives me the much needed himmat.

This is my standard set routine, almost every day - except for that one odd day when I sleep on time. You know? The day I decide to be a game changer. The day which never lasts even a full blown twenty four hours. The day when no matter how much I hate doing it  - I miraculously convince myself that I am meant to sleep on time.

Anyway, back to my weekly schedule - so I have a sad and a very questionable sandwich at eleven - and a cappuccino with a  K ;-)  - which sums up my brunch and is not even strong enough to wake up Grumpy, the dwarf' let alone me.

Somehow I get through the day and by evening manage to drag my half dead posterior home.

Because I am highly sleep deprived not because I work so hard.

Only to have another evening of unplanned fun and repeat the same routine the next day.

And bam! Before I know, it’s the damned weekend again. And suddenly, through no conscious efforts, I am sleeping on time, waking up on time, cooking my own food, writing blogposts and also working out properly – and all this while I am as chirpy as a cheeky little bird. Which is all very very good – except that shouldn’t it be the other way round?

Shouldn’t I be up and about through the week and a little lazed out on the weekends?

But then irony is the flavor of my life...

I fall for the wrong guy AND friendzone the right one.

A strict vegetarian my whole life I end up eating chicken wai wai by accident on a Tuesday (that too during navratras).

I rarely ever get a crush but when I do I make sure that it's so very highly impractical that in front of him even prince Harry will look more attainable.

I crack the entrance with a promising rank and then manage myself a semester back.

I yearn good company and yet am mostly alone.

For all the big talk that I do - I believe an arranged marriage is the best thing that can happen to anyone.

You see my point.. right?

Well what would be my life, if not upside down, eh?

Come Let's talk!

One of the most epic dialogues from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Monica says to Chandler, ‘Coming over to my work place and telling me that you love me, I want that. Talking about pig sex over lunch, I DON’T WANT THAT.’

I mean, seriously! How difficult is it to have a nice conversation with someone?

Now don’t get me wrong, by nice conversation, I didn’t mean super butt kissing or anything like that. Neither did I suggest being over the top – too good to be true – Mother Teresa version of yourself.  Because even I know that there is a limit to the number of thank yous, sorries and goodmornings and goodnights that one can take in a day. Nobody likes a Mr Nice Bucket but the least one can do is to keep it real – minus any façade, you know? 

‘Goodmorning dear, have a nice day.’ 
This very phrase puts me to sleep. 
Seriously, snore snore snore. 
Some might say, what is wrong with this? But I swear, I get up, read one or two such texts and then automatically fall back to sleep only to reach my office late. (Go ahead judge me all you want but that’s the ugly truth.) 

You want to be the first one they read from in the morning? Then make it worth their while. 

Or else, do you know how are they going to remember your wish? It’s when they are fully awake and you send another goodafternoon message and suddenly they’d be like, oh did he wish me in the morning as well or did I dream about that.. let me just scroll up. No one is asking you to send images, forwarded texts or mind numbingly long senti messages (with an unedited love you Tamanna in the end.) Just a ‘howdy babe’ shall suffice, as long as you wrote it like you said it.

But if this is too damn difficult and you seriously can’t think of a better way to wish someone in the morning – then just wish it in your head – you don’t really have to text it. God will still listen to you, even though he is not on watsapp. Because by sending that darned text, trust me, you are making your own case worse.

See if you really do care for some one – please go ahead and show them that (although, trust me on this, don’t go overboard – you don’t want to come off as very clingy) – but yes, everyone likes to know that there is someone who cares for them, so there – that’s your silver lining. However, in your bid to tell them that – never please, lose face. It’s very important that you know this.

I am sure you must have come across some people getting too familiar for your taste – You know? Like they grew up playing unch neech ka papda with you or something. While all they really know about you is your first name and maybe your last name. I mean, what’s that all about?

‘Hor fer kiddan soneyo?’ Roughly translated ‘And how’s it going hot stuff?’  - Lol! A message like this from a near stranger is a worse than a lukewarm  ‘Goodmorning Dear’ from a friend. Utter Killjoy! SO KINDLY have yourself vaccinated against this chaddi buddy syndrome. 

Now if at all you are one of those people who think that all this is asking for too much – then please o please don’t rub our faces in your perfectly custom made too cool for school life.

Refrain from crap like, ‘Hey guess, what? You won’t believe it - I am going to be painting majhs tonight (buffalos not mugs) with someone else not you.’ Because honestly, if your super cool plan doesn’t concern me, IT GENIUENLY DOESN’T CONCERN ME.

From a good date to a good maid – they are so difficult to find. But you know who is becoming even more extinct by the day –  a good conversationalist.

Some are trying too hard.

Some are not trying at all.

And the one’s in the middle – they have their own fuck ups.. Someone is too self obsessed. Someone is just too depressed. And someone has a girlfriend ;-)

All in all back to square one.

You know people go out to clubs and lounges to socialize… I swear if they had a place where people went just to have good conversations – I’d be a sureshot regular over there.

But I guess, in today’s fast moving world that is just too much to ask.

I mean who has the time to bond. Talk shmalk – forget it - they come, they see and they want to conquer but instead what happens is a plunder.

You know, girls make lists of how they wish their man to be. The ability to chat me up – I think is one of the biggest requisites on my bucketlist.

Unassuming, down to earth and steady - are the other qualities that are a must in him.  But still somehow he has to – has to – be a great conversationalist. And by that it doesn’t just mean that I’d go yippety yappity boom.. and he'd just listen. Yawn! 

That is not my idea of a good conversation. 

He has to have it in him to make me want to listen too. Which almost never happens. I am worried for my future, seriously.

And boy! Do I enjoy that once in the bluest moon conversation.

 

No wonder a good conversationalist, knows his worth in my eyes with in a matter of few days because suddenly I am too hooked and I have to find ways to keep it under tabs. Lucky for me, like I said, it almost never happens to me. However, when it does...

I go something like this

And probably freak them out.

See I told you never be clingy :-)