Hey Sista! Up taaap!

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

I maybe lost but I am alert

So better watch it you pervert.

I only choose to ignore

But I can pin you to the floor.

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

I go running and you stare,

Go eat shit for all I care.

Making passes at me, do you even have a pair?

Don't bother to answer, just get the fuck out of my hair

I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

At work, I need my space,

Not you gawking at my face.

So better cut down on your chase,

Prepare to keep pace or else lose in this race.

Coz I am here and I am there,

And I know you are well aware.

I don’t fear the dark

And all you know is to bark

But I am woman, hear me roar,

In numbers too big to ignore.

Shampoo & Conditioner apply ***

I am probably the only person I know, who has fun through the week and sits home on the weekends.

Grumpy as hell, I reach my office almost on time (terms and conditions apply), bumping into some and closely escaping many many lawyers (trust me early morning we all look like penguins gone mad).

I am usually on an empty stomach because surprise surprise  I only woke up half an hour before ten (thanks to the unplanned karaoke the night before) and all I could squeeze in, in those thirty precious minutes is a quick shower and a ride to the Court. Just as I take my seat, my friend C states the much obvious fact – "YOU ARE LATE."

'Here's twenty five things you didn't know about costumes of Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya' she flashes the post under my nose.

'I will book you for contempt of Court, trust me, I am not joking.'

'Wow! You are really a morning person. Can't tell you what a treat it is to chat you up in the morning.'

‘I am hungry,’ I whine. 

'We’ll go eat during the tea break,' she gives me the much needed himmat.

This is my standard set routine, almost every day - except for that one odd day when I sleep on time. You know? The day I decide to be a game changer. The day which never lasts even a full blown twenty four hours. The day when no matter how much I hate doing it  - I miraculously convince myself that I am meant to sleep on time.

Anyway, back to my weekly schedule - so I have a sad and a very questionable sandwich at eleven - and a cappuccino with a  K ;-)  - which sums up my brunch and is not even strong enough to wake up Grumpy, the dwarf' let alone me.

Somehow I get through the day and by evening manage to drag my half dead posterior home.

Because I am highly sleep deprived not because I work so hard.

Only to have another evening of unplanned fun and repeat the same routine the next day.

And bam! Before I know, it’s the damned weekend again. And suddenly, through no conscious efforts, I am sleeping on time, waking up on time, cooking my own food, writing blogposts and also working out properly – and all this while I am as chirpy as a cheeky little bird. Which is all very very good – except that shouldn’t it be the other way round?

Shouldn’t I be up and about through the week and a little lazed out on the weekends?

But then irony is the flavor of my life...

I fall for the wrong guy AND friendzone the right one.

A strict vegetarian my whole life I end up eating chicken wai wai by accident on a Tuesday (that too during navratras).

I rarely ever get a crush but when I do I make sure that it's so very highly impractical that in front of him even prince Harry will look more attainable.

I crack the entrance with a promising rank and then manage myself a semester back.

I yearn good company and yet am mostly alone.

For all the big talk that I do - I believe an arranged marriage is the best thing that can happen to anyone.

You see my point.. right?

Well what would be my life, if not upside down, eh?

Come Let's talk!

One of the most epic dialogues from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Monica says to Chandler, ‘Coming over to my work place and telling me that you love me, I want that. Talking about pig sex over lunch, I DON’T WANT THAT.’

I mean, seriously! How difficult is it to have a nice conversation with someone?

Now don’t get me wrong, by nice conversation, I didn’t mean super butt kissing or anything like that. Neither did I suggest being over the top – too good to be true – Mother Teresa version of yourself.  Because even I know that there is a limit to the number of thank yous, sorries and goodmornings and goodnights that one can take in a day. Nobody likes a Mr Nice Bucket but the least one can do is to keep it real – minus any façade, you know? 

‘Goodmorning dear, have a nice day.’ 
This very phrase puts me to sleep. 
Seriously, snore snore snore. 
Some might say, what is wrong with this? But I swear, I get up, read one or two such texts and then automatically fall back to sleep only to reach my office late. (Go ahead judge me all you want but that’s the ugly truth.) 

You want to be the first one they read from in the morning? Then make it worth their while. 

Or else, do you know how are they going to remember your wish? It’s when they are fully awake and you send another goodafternoon message and suddenly they’d be like, oh did he wish me in the morning as well or did I dream about that.. let me just scroll up. No one is asking you to send images, forwarded texts or mind numbingly long senti messages (with an unedited love you Tamanna in the end.) Just a ‘howdy babe’ shall suffice, as long as you wrote it like you said it.

But if this is too damn difficult and you seriously can’t think of a better way to wish someone in the morning – then just wish it in your head – you don’t really have to text it. God will still listen to you, even though he is not on watsapp. Because by sending that darned text, trust me, you are making your own case worse.

See if you really do care for some one – please go ahead and show them that (although, trust me on this, don’t go overboard – you don’t want to come off as very clingy) – but yes, everyone likes to know that there is someone who cares for them, so there – that’s your silver lining. However, in your bid to tell them that – never please, lose face. It’s very important that you know this.

I am sure you must have come across some people getting too familiar for your taste – You know? Like they grew up playing unch neech ka papda with you or something. While all they really know about you is your first name and maybe your last name. I mean, what’s that all about?

‘Hor fer kiddan soneyo?’ Roughly translated ‘And how’s it going hot stuff?’  - Lol! A message like this from a near stranger is a worse than a lukewarm  ‘Goodmorning Dear’ from a friend. Utter Killjoy! SO KINDLY have yourself vaccinated against this chaddi buddy syndrome. 

Now if at all you are one of those people who think that all this is asking for too much – then please o please don’t rub our faces in your perfectly custom made too cool for school life.

Refrain from crap like, ‘Hey guess, what? You won’t believe it - I am going to be painting majhs tonight (buffalos not mugs) with someone else not you.’ Because honestly, if your super cool plan doesn’t concern me, IT GENIUENLY DOESN’T CONCERN ME.

From a good date to a good maid – they are so difficult to find. But you know who is becoming even more extinct by the day –  a good conversationalist.

Some are trying too hard.

Some are not trying at all.

And the one’s in the middle – they have their own fuck ups.. Someone is too self obsessed. Someone is just too depressed. And someone has a girlfriend ;-)

All in all back to square one.

You know people go out to clubs and lounges to socialize… I swear if they had a place where people went just to have good conversations – I’d be a sureshot regular over there.

But I guess, in today’s fast moving world that is just too much to ask.

I mean who has the time to bond. Talk shmalk – forget it - they come, they see and they want to conquer but instead what happens is a plunder.

You know, girls make lists of how they wish their man to be. The ability to chat me up – I think is one of the biggest requisites on my bucketlist.

Unassuming, down to earth and steady - are the other qualities that are a must in him.  But still somehow he has to – has to – be a great conversationalist. And by that it doesn’t just mean that I’d go yippety yappity boom.. and he'd just listen. Yawn! 

That is not my idea of a good conversation. 

He has to have it in him to make me want to listen too. Which almost never happens. I am worried for my future, seriously.

And boy! Do I enjoy that once in the bluest moon conversation.

 

No wonder a good conversationalist, knows his worth in my eyes with in a matter of few days because suddenly I am too hooked and I have to find ways to keep it under tabs. Lucky for me, like I said, it almost never happens to me. However, when it does...

I go something like this

And probably freak them out.

See I told you never be clingy :-)

Yes, my lords, I can waste some serious time!

Feeling Meh

"According to Chanakya Pandita, women are generally not very intelligent and therefore not trustworthy." (Bhagavad-gita 1.40, Purport)

Not just this.. Something about women being prone to be unchaste and stuff like that and how it is upon the men of a family to take care that a woman does not go astray?

What are we cattle?

And who made man the king of the world? Like he is so pure and free of vice.

Remember the ever so controversial verse from Tulsidas ‘'Dhol,Gawar,Shudra ,Pashu aur Nari' ,Ye sab tadan ke adhikari.”

And also what about women of other families? They should be allowed to go ‘astray’?

Then there was Manu, the Indian law giver, with his much celebrated recitation of law, ‘manu smriti’. He was not a big fan of us women either.

Do you know how deeply that is embedded in our society to this date?

No wonder, women are treated like they are in this country.

I was going through a bit of a rough spot and someone close to me suggested that I should read Bhagvad Gita, and was kind enough to lend me his own copy.

I happily obliged.

And while there is some absolute wisdom in Shrimad Bhgvad Gita, it is these so called scholars who piss me off. After centuries of blindly following their word, can we seriously expect the society to suddenly take a u-turn and start viewing women in a different light? You know as fully independent individuals who are more than capable of taking care of themselves.

In a country like ours where ‘smart’ girl is considered more of a derogatory comment than praise, sometimes I wonder where exactly are we headed.

There is more to women than simple child bearing. I know that, some of you know that but when is it that all of us will know this – and not just on paper.

So many legislations in place for women reform but let me tell you something we can never legislate for reform, REFORM COMES FROM WITHIN.

Next time you sit next to an unknown woman on a bus – try earning her respect.  You don’t have to do much, just not staring will suffice. And if you see some one else doing it – please for once don’t mind your own business, speak up. And just because I mentioned a bus doesn’t mean that those who don’t use a bus are off the hook.

Go to the fanciest of the gyms in town and you’d know what I am talking about.

Ill behavior has nothing to do with class, age or even gender for that matter. But as the generation next if we don’t start putting things in perspective beginning right now, who knows what our children may face when they grow up.

What an Idea Sir ji!

Disclaimer: This post is longer than I usually care to write but you better not leave midway!
So you wake up at seven (which I personally think is the best time to wake up- not too early, not too late), to a hot steaming cup of green tea and wonderful weather outside. You have a hint of a smile on you and you like it (How often does it happen to you after all?)
Not wanting to step out of the bed, you stretch your moments of bliss as much as you possibly can – silently repeating in your head  your new ‘not so secret’ vow to live life to the fullest.
Wow! Happiness is just a state of mind after all. I guess they were right. Look at me. So happy!
And then you make the ultimate mistake. You reach out for your phone.
And the first and by the way the only message you see on it is from airtel people, tempting you to talk to Ms Leone. And the true blue Piscean that you are – you imagine yourself giving her a call. What would you say to her, if at all you talk to her?

‘Hi babe, I hear you are hosting Splitsvilla these days?’

‘Wow! Don’t tell me you actually wasted a moment thinking about it. Some life you have!’ Enough of reminiscing  get to work,'- It was time the true blue Meena Kumari in me was up.

Because only thing worse than getting a Sunny Leone message is - you know? getting that advertisement on your sidebar – Are you single? Don’t wait anymore. Find hot dates in your neighbourhood.

Now you wonder, why the fcuk were you so jubilant about yourself last night?

That’s it. Last night’s Sangria is out of your system and it’s time you took the ‘I HEART LIFE’ sticker off your fcuking forehead.

Last night I was out with a friend whose company I really really cherish.  Reason being she is a lot like me.You know she is not like me-like me per say (she is Hawt) but she is like me in the matters of love – i.e, unlucky ;-)

Okay ‘truth’ apart, there are two categories of girls.

One is who meet someone nice, fall in love in like a day or something and have cute babies.
Lol and then there is this other category (we are a limited few) We have no strong feelings towards love as such but we sure do love to chase the sweet illusions of love.
And boy! Do we love that chase? I think we love it more than love itself.
We like not knowing.
We get accused of not knowing even when true love bites us in the behind.
We get blamed for making the wrong choices.

Anyway I guess I should come to the point. 
So part reason why we ended up meeting yesterday was because I am leaving town in a bit, for a bit and part reason was that she had apparently found the love of her life and it was time we ripped open the wraps on this one. You know dissecting the boyfriend inch by inch.

‘Okay so dinner it is, I can’t wait to see you,’ she gushed and hung up.

‘Urghhh.. not her too,’ I looked up for my whiny make belief one on one with God.

‘You know you’d love him. He doesn’t even facebook or watsapp, for crying out loud. He calls - Like a real man - sooooo old school. He does not know any other way. That tipsy turvy feeling of love – I have it like all the time. Every time he calls, I have butterflies somersaulting all the way from my tummy to my small intestine. ’ We hadn’t even heard the specials yet and here was my newly in love friend, making me hear every little detail of the new lad in town.

‘What does he do?’

‘You mean besides making my world go whroooom?’

‘Very funny,’ I rolled my eyes.

‘He is a lawyer.’

‘I thought you hated lawyers.’

‘Yeah, that was until I found him. Which reminds me you should hear him speak. You’ll fall for that voice, five seconds flat.’

‘I am sure I will,’ I managed a forced smile, ‘Good looking?’

‘Hmmm not bad,’ she gave it a thought, ‘but I don’t think it’s his voice or his looks or even his profession that counts?’

‘Then what does?’

‘It’s something beyond the obvious.. and I mean it. When we talk, I feel things which we only read about in novels and see in the movies - we dont just talk - we connect.’

‘Okay so how long have you been dating?’ I tried cutting her short. I mean she was a close friend alright but there was no need for her to rub her amazing love life in her pathetically single friend’s face.

‘Oh! No, we are not dating. In fact we have not even met. Not even had a cup of coffee together,’ she replied somewhat dismissively.

‘Oh! You have not,’ I absorbed the rather significant piece of information which I don’t know why she had forgotten to mention so far. ‘Well, then tell me one thing girlfriend, What the fcuk are we doing discussing a make-belief boyfriend?’

‘Oh no, he exists alright. He is just not my boyfriend,’ she said tossing a free salted peanut in her mouth.’

‘And why is that so?’

‘Well for two reasons. One I don’t think he is quite there yet. I mean we flirt back and forth but I suppose he is too chicken or uninterested whatever it is of the two, to start something real. And two, even if we were to start something with this ‘luke warm sentiment’ I am not sure it'd go too far.’

‘And yet you seem surprisingly upbeat about it?’ I had to ask.

‘Yes, because I have it all figured out.’

‘Do care to share,’ I prodded.

‘Well, see who knows if or when we get there? And even if we do get there, chances are that we’d fuck it up.’

‘hmm’

‘But you know what can never be fucked up?’

‘What?’

‘It’s the idea of him. See mind numbingly appealing as he is, he is bound to be flawed ---- THEY ALL ARE --- and if I keep flirting with the idea of him, I may never find out those flaws.  And you know what I have realized it’s the idea of him being so utterly perfect that excites me more than the guy himself. Now that’s romantic, isn’t it?’

‘That’s fucked up, that’s what it is.’ I replied, a little happy inside, that not another one of my single girlfriends is getting whisked away.

‘Come on you know what I am talking. How often do we meet a great guy?’

‘Not that often,’ I replied rather quickly, not wanting to think about my life at all. All I ever run into is .... well, a topic for another day.

‘Like a clean loo at the ISBT - it's a rare find,' she stated in a very matter-of-factly way, 'So what do you do when you find one?' She paused for a second, as if she wanted me to answer it for her.. Looked disappointed at my apparent lack of interest and continued, 'tch... you either date him and wait for him to become one of the regular ordinary run of the mill annoying  jackass, or, you preserve the idea of him forever.’

‘Kind of like deep frozen peas?’

‘Exactly.’

‘Wow’

‘No seriously, like this you can enjoy, you can be tingly and be dazzled by this amazing man that no one else knows of. He can make your toes curl, just by a phone call and no one get's hurt. A total win win.' She shrugged as if she had found the ultimate way to salvation.

‘Is it possible that it is just infatuation on your part?’

‘Infatuation, my ass! I get infatuated by puppies. This is definitely something real. It’s just that am not gonna act on it.’

That said and she was genuinely back to being herself, the fun sorted girl that I have always known.

Which made me wonder as to how mechanical we have become in relationships today. This new found ability of not letting anything put us down. Not wanting to run away from real emotions but at the same time being so ruthlessly practical, that if we can’t have him, we are more than okay with just the ‘idea of him’.

Because, rightly enough, no one can ever spoil that idea for us!

But in our bid to run away from hurt and grief, how unreal are we willing to be?

Harmless flirting with a guy we like - so that we get through the day at least - is this what today's relationships have stooped down to?
First we never meet some one who makes us feel like what we want to be felt like,
and even if miraculously enough, we find that someone, It's most certainly with a lot of baggage,
And no one today wants to lug around someone else's crap, especially when we got so much of our own.

So what are the odds of meeting someone where a relationship can slip beyond the superficial.
Where there is no bullshit, where we can cut it out, get real and be like that without the fear of having committed a blunder, yet again.

Damn I could go on .....

P.S. I am not usually this corny ;-) But the post called for it.